Grief After A Breakup: Tips To Move Forward
“What went wrong?”
“What if I did ___ instead of ___”
“Is there anything I could have done differently?”
“We were suppose to go to ___ together”
“Am I ever going to find someone again?”
“I don’t want to do this again!”
Going through a breakup can be an impactful loss. Contrary to popular belief, grief comes from all types of losses not just death, and a breakup can feel overwhelming and traumatic. So YES, you can grieve a breakup, and yes it can be so painful.
As a therapist, I have had the privilege of helping many clients grieve and move forward from a romantic breakup, divorce, friendship break-up, and strained family relationships. The one common thing that I have noticed in my work is that we cannot speed up the process of grieving. Moving forward from a breakup consists of a shit ton of self-compassion and reflection, there is no shortcut.
You’re going to hear me say this a lot in my blogs but I am going to keep on saying it: grief has no timeline. And as much as we would like to speed things up, unfortunately, grief doesn’t work that way (although we wish it did). What I do know is that grief is a multifaceted response and this basically means that we respond to loss not just emotionally but also cognitively, physically, socially, and spiritually. So grief is not just a feeling, it affects all facets in our life and it is important to be mindful of how it is showing up.
Although it is very unpleasant and uncomfortable, pain shows us how to best take care of ourselves. Our emotional needs are revealed through pain and discomfort, and it is one of the ways that we can figure out the best coping skills to help us grieve and take care of ourselves.
Below are some tips* that I have collected from my experience as a therapist for those going through a breakup and those who are supporting someone going through a breakup.
* This is for educational purposes, not medical advice.
Take what is helpful for you and leave what is not.
Tips for those going through a break-up:
Label your emotions & allow yourself to grieve. Sometimes we think we shouldn’t grieve a breakup, but it is a very real loss that we are totally allowed to grieve.
Prioritize sleep. REM sleep helps stabilize our moods so it is important to get back to the basics and prioritize getting enough rest to regulate and stabilize our moods. We need at least 4 cycles of REM sleep which equates to about 8 hours.
Be patient with yourself as you grieve. There are days where you will feel totally fine and there are days when you don’t and that is okay. You may also notice that you do not have the capacity for social events or activities and that is okay, give yourself time and the space to heal. Take however long you need.
Practice self-compassion. It’s so easy to be hard on ourselves and beat ourselves up, but that totally in NOT helpful during a time of intense pain and longing. Instead, let us practice self-compassion and give ourselves some slack during this difficult time.
Pour into yourself and nurture yourself. It is very common to feel lost, anxious, low self-esteem, or “not like yourself” after a break up. There is nothing wrong with you. Your mind and body are just adapting to the loss and looking for some sort of stability, so doesn’t that make sense? Nurture and pour into yourself by taking care of yourself and doing things that bring you joy. Do things that help you feel more congruent and authentic to yourself. This will help you with feeling like you have some semblance of control.
Lean on your safe people/support system. It’s okay to ask for a listening ear especially with those who provide a safe and nonjudgemental space.
Contact or no contact? Do what feels right for you. There is no right answer to this, it really depends on who you are and your relationship with that person. Would it be helpful to be in contact or would it be more helpful to not have contact?
Healthy distractions are okay, but also give yourself time to grieve. Although it is crucial to process your emotions, balance it with healthy distractions or activities that lift you up. This can help you break the cycle of rumination. It is only considered ‘avoidance’ if you do not process your emotions.
Consider professional help. Breakups can trigger deeper emotional wounds especially if you have a history of trauma or loss. A grief and trauma-informed therapist can offer you a space to process and explore these wounds to provide insight on what coping strategies will help you the best based on your unique needs.
Tips for those supporting someone through a breakup:
Just listen. The only way through a breakup is through processing and reflection. Do not offer advice if it is not solicited. Simply being present is the most valuable support.
Avoid saying platitudes like “take it day by day” or “stay strong”. This can be very invalidating for grievers. Instead validate their emotions “youre not overreacting- your feelings are real and valid”, “what youre feeling right now totally makes sense”.
Respect their boundaries and follow their lead. Some people may want to talk a lot about their breakup and grief while others may need more space. Pay attention to these cues and respect their emotional boundaries. Let them know you are there whenever they need to talk or a quiet support.
Don’t rush their healing. Grief has no timeline and if a person has a loss or trauma history their may be deeper emotional wounds that are triggered. Be patient.
Have a non-judgmental tone/stance. Focus on your loved one, not the ex. Support your friend’s emotions. Give them a space to reflect.
Offer practical help. Whether it’s helping with errands, engaging in healthy distractions, a phone call, making meals, and physical support.
Healing from a breakup is a journey and process, but having the right support—whether through friends, self-care, or mental health professional—can make all the difference. Grief is a completely normal response to a loss (death or non-death related) and we should not pathologize it like it is not. Whether you’re the one experiencing the breakup or supporting someone through it, patience, self-compassion, genuine (self)care, kindness, and empathy are key to renewing yourself again and moving forward.
